The worst Christmas song

is "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer." Have you listened to the lyrics?

"She's been drinking too much eggnog.."
"We found her Christmas morning, at the scene of the attack..."
"She had footprints on her forehead..."

Basically, Grandma is an alcoholic who was mauled by a reindeer. I wonder if children actually understand the song. Is so, they're probably having nightmares.

Am I missing some underlying Christmas meaning here?

What does your middle name mean?

I got this from BD and thought I'd share the fun.

A : You like to drink.
B : You like people.
C : You are really silly.
D : You like to drink.
E : Great kisser.
F : You are dead sexy.
G : You never let people tell you what to do.
H : You have a very good personality, looks, and are a very good kisser.
I : Great in bed.
J : People adore you.
K : You're wild and crazy.
L : Unbeliavably great in bed.
M : best kisser ever.
N: You like to drink.
O: awesome kisser.
P : You are popular with all types of people.
Q : You are a hypocrite.
R : Fuckin crazy.
S : Easy to fall in love with.
T : You're loyal to those you love.
U : You really like to chill.
V : You are not judgemental.
W : You are very broad minded.
X : You never let people tell you what to do.
Y : best boy/girl friend any one can ask for.
Z : Always ready.

So this is my middle name:
A: You like to drink.
N: You like to drink.
N: You like to drink.
E: Great kisser.

Hm. Interesting.

Recently played

• "Step Into Christmas" - Elton John
• "Save the Last Dance For Me" - Michael Buble
• "Goodbye My Lover" - James Blunt
• "Wonderful Tonight" - Eric Clapton
• "Anything But Mine" - Kenny Chesney
• "Love You" - Jack Ingram
• "Hard to Handle" - Black Crowes
• "The Silent Nutcracker" - Transiberian Orchestra
  

Where's the dictionary?

Is it still chivalry if a guy opens the door for me by hitting the automated handicap button?

If only he really were visiting...

Me: we could have eaten crabs and gotten drunk.
ProfessorK: you could have eaten my crab cakes and i would have drank your beers
ProfessorK: cause i wouldnt have lasted thru 1 crab cake
ProfessorK: and you can't finish a beer
ProfessorK: so its great

Black Friday

Ah, Black Friday. There's nothing like 5 a.m. store openings and insanely cheap discounts on laptops and video games to get you in the holiday mood, right? And yes, there I was covering the nonsense and craziness of it all for work.

I set two alarms for 3 a.m. and met B, one of our photographers, forty-five minutes later at work. Yes, it was ridiculously early. I mean, the last time I was up at 3:30 I was coming home from a night out. But stores were opening at 5 and trust me, no one was going to give me the time of day while they were shopping. I'm not sure they would give me the time of day while waiting in line, but what else did they have to do? Play cards with their frozen fingers?

Our first stop was a nice 20 oz. coffee from Wawa which helped with the ungodly hour. I had only slept for 4 hours (Grey's was on until 10 and let's be honest: even an early wakeup was not about to stop me from watching). So there I was: bundled up in three layers including my winter jacket with my Red Sox winter hat, a pair of gloves, and, of course, my notepad. You would have thought I was interviewing people in the arctic tundra or something.

We made the rounds to Best Buy, Circuit City and Toys 'R Us - me hearing the stories of why someone would start standing in line at 3 p.m. on Thanksgiving for a laptop and B snapping the pictures of people streaming into Circuit City for their plasma TV's and digital cameras. These people were dedicated. The line for Best Buy almost wrapped around the entire building. People had sleeping bags, chairs, blankets, and cups of coffee. Most were surprisingly pleasant and cheerful for such a ridiculous hour. Some people were funny. A select few were slightly hostile. I don't think all of them were playing with a full deck on some level.

I think we were done by 6 or so. By then we grabbed breakfast (and more coffee, of course) at Einstein Bros. Bagels. Though I was tired, it wasn't that bad. I knew it would catch up to me later, though. But I was on a wired/tired high from all the caffeine. Let's just say Black Friday didn't exactly put me in the holiday shopping mood.

But it did definitely put me in the mood for a nice 3-hour nap later on.

Happy shopping. And good luck out there.

Cheers and Jeers 4

Cheers
--Malibu Baybreezes.
--Road trips for no reason.
--A turkey sub with chiplote ranch dressing. Mmmm.
--Spur-of-the-moment shopping trips that actually result in me buying clothes. Weird.
--Election night. A lot of stress but a lot of fun.
--Left over Halloween candy. Somebody has to eat it, right?

Jeers
--Four Malibu Baybreezes. One Mai Tai. Many shots. Enough said.
--The Patriots losing to the Jets. At home. Note to Tom: I'm getting a lot of crap for Sunday's loss. Step it up.

Wait...what?

The St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series? I'm still not sure it actually happened, but the newspapers and TV stations are saying so. I was hoping for a Tigers-Mets finale (like most people...except, well, the Cardinals and their fans) but somehow St. Louis won - and kept winning. I was rooting for the Tigers in the championship, I would have rooted for the Mets had they been there, and I was rooting for the Red Sox up until (and even through) the downward spiral of a season that ended all too abruptly. But that's another story.

The World Series was anti-clamatic. Sure, there was the pine tar/smudge/dried mud stain story - and that made things semi-interesting for about .5 seconds until I had seen Kenny Rogers' hand and hat from every possible camera angle - but everyone had been picking the Mets from Day One. Heck, St. Louis didn't even look like they would make the playoffs to begin with. But then again, sometimes it's those come-from-behind teams that get things done (can anybody say 2004 Red Sox?)

I like St. Louis; I've even lived there at one point and I'm pretty sure I own a miniature Cardinals baseball bat that's stuffed somewhere up in my closet (but knowing me, I will never find it again). I'm just saying that out of all the top solid teams - Red Sox, Yankees, Mets, Detroit - I'm not sure I ever would have picked St. Louis. It just wasn't an interesting series. Yes, I watched parts of it and I saw the last game. But Dancing with the Stars pulled in more viewers at one point. And yes, I was one of them.

Sweeeet

The other day I got a vanilla cappucino for 10 cents. Why, you ask? Because Wawa was running a special. And if you've never been to a Wawa, you're missing out. It's the equivalent of a clean Seven-Eleven plus a deli.

You know, it's the little things. Like saving $1.50 on a cappucino.

If there is one annoying person on TV

...it's Meredith from Grey's Anatomy.

If you've been watching since the new season began, you may or may not agree with me. She's just, I don't know, a pain. Her latest stint this week about shaving and waxing and wanting to get felt up (I know I just piqued a few guys' interest) was ridiculous. Get over yourself. She's not bad-looking, but I wouldn't say she's gorgeous. And she has Patrick Dempsey and Chris O'Donnell fighting over her.

Shouldn't we all be that lucky.

Screw you, Yahoo

Last week I got lost.

If you know me at all, that should come as no shock or surprise. I had a scheduled meeting at 9:00 in the morning in another county from mine; the night before I found the directions on Yahoo Maps (which has rarely steered me wrong before). I left with plenty of time to spare. I allowed myself an extra solid 45 minutes just in case.

Now let it be known that I only have a map of my county. But this meeting was in another one. That was probably my first mistake.

I arrived in the correct city about 45 minutes before my meeting. I made great time, which probably should have been a red flag. And then somewhere, somehow, it all went wrong. I got severely lost. But it wasn't one of those cases where you find yourself four towns and five highways over. I was only one or two streets away and for the life of me, I couldn't find the building. I drove in circles. I called the building - twice - and received two sets of directions. I pulled over - twice - and asked for directions. I swore a lot.

Finally, finally, I found the building. To my credit, I don't think the street was properly marked and there was one wrong turn on the directions (I know, excuses, excuses). But I was late, even with my extra 45 minute cushion.

So screw you, Yahoo.

But here's the best (or worse) part: At one point, I was on a street called Blue Ball Boulevard and when I called to ask for directions, I had to name my exact location.

Cheers and Jeers 3

Cheers

- This wonderful autumn weather that just arrived in Maryland this week. It makes me want to wear my clogs to a football game and drink hot apple cider.
- The new TV season: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Justice, Grey's, House, The Office. Also worth mentioning is Dancing With the Stars. Yes, I'm watching it. I don't have homework anymore so I have this thing called free time, and if I choose to watch reality television with it, that's my problem and not yours.
- Big Papi's record-breaking.
- "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. A very powerful book and solid read.
- Butternut squash and pumpkin soup. Amaaaazing. I had seconds.
- John Stewart and The Rock. I have no specific reasons. They're just cool.


Jeers

- Getting lost. Entry to come.
- Reggie Bush. Did everyone suddenly forget his little money problem or something?
- People who pull out quickly into your lane but then go 10 mph. I don't like you people.

September baseball: O's vs. NY

Today I went to the Oriole's vs. Yankees game at Camden Yards. Here's a running diary of the events (and chaos) that ensued.

3:11: We pick up the Yankee fan from college and we're on our way. Remember, she's the one who is most likely adopted because she roots for NY.

3:40: We take a wrong turn in downtown Baltimore and end up heading out of the city. Nothing says family adventure like getting lost.

4:15: Some idiot (most likely a Yankee fan) yells "Boston sucks!" out his window at me as we're walking toward the park. I try and see where the car parks so I can slash the tires later, but I lose sight of it.

4:35: Adam Loewen (now 5-5, 5.32 ERA) starts it off for Baltimore. I'm loving our seats right along the first base line in prime foul ball territory. I'm just terrified that a foul ball will actually come my way and send me to the hospital.

4:43: Derek Jeter doubles down the right field line with two outs. The crowd erupts. No, really, they take a nutty. Are we in New York?

5:00: The O's turn a sweet doubleplay to the end the inning. One of those definitely-has-a-possibility-of-being-on-Sportscenter doubleplays.

5:15: With Johnny Damon up at bat, the guy next to my mother jokes, "Is that Judus?" I feel like a moron and have no idea who he's talking about. I admit, I didn't always pay attention in Sunday school. My mother informs me that Judus was someone who betrayed Jesus. Okay, I get the joke now. Sidenote: My mother and I then decide that The Jokster is definitely on a first date with the woman next to him. Here's why: 1) The woman is sitting with arms crossed, hugging her purse. Definitely not positive body language. She doesnt even look like she wants to be here. 2) Her pants are rolled up. Which means that she wasn't really properly dressed for a baseball game. 3) The jokster is talking more to the people around him than her. 4) It's one of those obvious awkward situations. You can just tell. I wonder how they met.

5:17: It's time for the animated hot dog race on the big screen. Yes, I'm rooting for an animated hotdog as it jumps around the bases. I pick the relish, Mom and Yankee Fan pick the mustard. Of course, ketchup wins.

5:20: Bottom of the third. No score. My sister notices Derek Jeter adjusting himself. "Where?" I ask. "Where do you think?" she replies.

5:29: Derek hits a foul ball four rows in front of us. I'm in the middle of shelling a peanut, and instead of jumping up like everyone else around me, I grab my bag of peanuts and hunker down.

5:55: Awkward Jokster buys him and date a beer. As we pass along the beer and money to and from the vendor, jokster says to us, "I feel like I should be buying you guys a beer." I think, Okay, but it had better not be that Bud Light you're drinking. Do you see what dating a beer snob has done to me?

6:02: Top of the fifth, one out. Johnny "Judus" Damon singles in a run with a check swing. Score: New York 1, Oriole's 0.

6:05: The Old Bay Crab Shuffle. There are three animated crabs on the big screen. One has a baseball. They shuffle around on the beach, criss-crossing each other and turning upside down. In the end, which crab has the ball? Yes, I'm amused by this. And I know it's geared toward five-year-olds.

6:15: At the end of the 6th, New York and Baltimore have five hits a piece. The Yankees are on top 2-0, thanks to Johnny's single and a Melky Cabrera sac fly in the fifth.

6:30: The seventh inning stretch. The highlight of the evening: when the Oriole's mascot jumps up onto the O's dugout and while shaking his tailfeather (ha, bad joke), wipes his armpits with a Yankee hat he stole from the crowd. If he did that at Fenway he would be hoisted up on shoulders and showered with Sam Adams.

6:32: Out of the 45,827 people in attendance, my sisters spots Derek Jeter's parents in the crowd. Of course she would.

6:35: Brandon Fahey knocks in Kevin Millar to put the O's on the board. Finally.

6:40: Rodrigo Lopez comes in to start the bottom of the eighth for the Oriole's. Ohh, great. This game isn't going to end well for Baltimore. Batting practice, anyone?

6:50: Derek Jeter (who else) rips a RBI single down the right field line, scoring Damon. The crowd freaks out and starts chanting "MVP!" I feel like vomiting into my peanut bag. Score: New York 3, O's 1.

7:02: Wang leaves the game to a standing ovation. Me: "What was his name again? Wang?" Mom: "I think it's pronounced Wong." I know several guys who would have laughed at that.

7:23: Millar homers to left. The O's are down by one.

7:27: "Nice hats," a guy says to me and Mom as we leave the park. He's a Boston fan, too. He understands. He's one of us. And he kind of looks like Kenny Chesney.

Final score: New York 3, Baltimore 2.

An unofficial wrap-up of my favorite summer books

Here is a list of the most enjoyable books I read this summer (in no particular order). You can thank me later with chocolates, flowers, and Patriots tickets.

1. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Why it worked: The unusual perspective. The novel is told through the eyes of a murdered teenager. If that doesn't intrigue you, you're boring. Final word: It's a book-club classic, but well worth it. I couldn't put it down. Literally. It came with me to work, dinner...

2. Now I Can Die in Peace by Bill Simmons. Why it worked: The combination of humorous writing, pop culture, and the rollercoaster ride that is the Red Sox. I laughed, I cried...but mostly it worked because I could commiserate with the guy. He's a Sox fan - he understands. Final word: A nice read, especially if you appreciate quality sports writing.

3. The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. Why it worked: Beautiful writing. I'll be honest here: I'd heard the hype about this one, but I wasn't that interested. When I finally picked it up, I couldn't put it down. I'm a fan of Monk's writing style (in this particular book. I just finished her latest, "The Mermaid Chair," and I wasn't a fan). Final word: Read it. And then you'll crave honey.

4. Possible Side Effects by Augusten Burroughs. Why it worked: His story topics range from lesbian personal ads to advertising campaigns for Junior Mints to his obession with college t-shirts. He's hilarious and one of my favorite authors. Final word: As if you needed one.

5. Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. Why it worked: The guy knows how to write a page-turner. Final word: It's better than The Da Vinci Code (hasn't everyone said that?)

6. Come Love a Stranger by Kathleen Woodiwiss. Why it worked: It's a historical romance (and one of my guilty pleasures every once in awhile), so if you're in need of a good love story, Woodiwiss is usually a good option. Final word: A good read with amusing descriptions and phrasing (such as "the hot blood shot through his loins and thudded through him, cauterizing his mind with his ravaging needs." Seriously, I cannot make this stuff up. It's on page 186).

The ups and downs of law enforcement

Yesterday during morning rush-hour traffic I passed several state troopers staked out along 95 at various points.

For what, I don't know.

Rush-hour is bad enough, but putting cops along the commute only makes drivers instinctively slow down. Besides, it's not as if anyone could speed through to anywhere. Everyone is doing forty, tops. Do these cops really catch anyone? Does anyone understand this?

Later on, however, I drove by someone getting arrested (cuffed and everything) by three police officers on the side of the street--and it made my morning.

Where's Jared?

Last night I dreamt that I was eating a Chicken Caesar Salad sub from Subway--and it was delicious.

Seriously, though, how good would that be? It's not a menu option, but I'm smelling a new promotional item. Can I get 15%? How about free subs for eternity?

Wanted: Normal Toys

What happened to the normal Barbies of my childhood? At Target today I passed by an end display with Monte Carlo Barbie and South Beach Barbie (the location, not the diet--although I would't be surprised if they had a Barbie armed with the South Beach Cookbook, a carton of eggs, and a "Say No To Carbs" t-shirt).

But do they really think a six-year-old knows what or where Monte Carlo is? I doubt most high-schoolers even do (and sadly, probably adults). What's next? Tattoo Barbie? Dominatrix Barbie? Convict Ken?

On an unrelated note, I had a fabulous peach margarita tonight. Also, I'm convinced that throwing Mike Lowell or Big Papi on the pitching mound would yield better results than the current Red Sox bullpen. I'd suggest Manny but he'd probably see something shiny in the dugout and get distracted. That's all I'm saying about today's game.

Top 7...

...Best Things about My Past Weekend in Mass.

7. Real New England seafood (down in Maryland, it's crabs, all the time).

6. Sam Summer at a nice grad-a-birthday party on a summer afternoon.

5. Watching all the Sox games on NESN.

4. Finally getting my sexy OL sweatshirt and then wearing it for two days straight.

3. Watching Sox games with my grandmother and hearing her say, "Well, he's a fat one," when the camera zooms in on a sweaty David Wells in between fastballs.

2. Seeing my bar buddy, good friends from school who constantly make fun of me, and Max.

1. Quality time with the Hockey Stud. In other words, going to the driving range and getting outhit by a four-year-old.

Packing up random thoughts

--I hate packing for anything because I'm easily distracted. For instance, watching Will & Grace is far more entertaining than trying to figure out what shoes will fit in my bag and where my phone charger disappeared to.

--Fantasia has a Lifetime movie coming out, which is based on her own life (and if it's on Lifetime, of course it would be). And she's actually starring as herself. Since when did she become an actress? She was barely a singer. Can you tell I'm not a huge fan? Which part gave it away?

--Floyd Landis is one big sad story. I know, everyone says that he's guilty, and you have to believe the evidence, but I'd like to believe that he's innocent. Even if he is, though, his reputation is done.

--I read online that Tom Cruise is promising pictures of his "mystery child." It is worth noting that I was once a rather large Tom Cruise fan (back in 6th grade), but ever since the couch-jumping and Holmes-humping, he's gone downhill for me. Am I the only person who doesn't actually care about seeing pictures of their kid? Don't all babies look alike, anyways? I was also thinking, wouldn't it be wild if they didn't even have a baby at all? It would be just like that 20/20 episode I watched where a couple actually thought they were pregnant with sextuplets, tricked the community into thinking they were, and then took all the cash and donations. Stop rolling your eyes. I love 20/20.

--On a final note, the Red Sox had better remember what it's like to win, especially since they're playing THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS.

O's vs. Yankees

The Situation: I went to the Oriole's game yesterday against the Yankees, which meant that I wasn't necessarily rooting for the O's to win; I was more so rooting for New York to lose. Which they did. In fact, O's rookie Adam Loewen had a one-hitter against an offensively stacked team (today the Yankees won, but really, I'm trying to focus on the positives, here).

The Dilemma: Now, some of you may not know this, but one of my sisters is a Yankee fan (I'm not sure how it happened; I still think she may have been adopted). To combat her head-to-toe Yankee garb (complete with a Jeter jersey), my Dad and I decided that we had to wear enough Red Sox merchandise so that people wouldn't assume that we were New York fans by walking with her. I wore my Red Sox sailor hat, which prompted my sister ask me how the safari was going in her best "Crocodile Hunter" voice. I'm still not finding it funny.


The Highlights: Hotdogs, peanuts, watching a one-hitter, Brian Roberts' bases-loaded single in the 2nd to start the offense, the "I Love NY; It's the Yankees I Hate" T-shirt I saw, and naturally, seeing the Yankees lose. Also, the fun Old Bay crab switch they do around the 6th. It's for the little kids. I love it.

The Lowlights: When the Yankees starting line-up received a bigger ovation than the Oriole's. It's sad but true. Camden Yards is always a packed house when New York or Boston comes to town.

The Question: Why does Mike Mussina bend down before every pitch only when runners are on? (One day and several Google searches later, thanks to my sister, he likes to see the positions of the runners' feet. And it gives him a little more time).

The Bright Idea: Wouldn't it be pretty cool if the Red Sox and Yankees played against each other at Camden Yards? Think about it: cheap tickets, large fan base for both teams, solid ballpark. That got me to thinking: Wouldn't it be cool if different teams played each other at different ballparks? Okay, maybe no one would pay to see the Royals and Devil Rays play in St. Louis, but I know it could be the start of something. What is Bud Selig's number?

The Final: Orioles 5, Yankees 0.